So, I was at Hale & Hearty buying soup for lunch, as per usual, but when the cashier offered me a bag for my small cream of asparagus, I said no. Why? Because I had just come from Pret A Manger, where I purchased a Cuban sandwich, and had with me a perfectly usable bag from that establishment. Before leaving, I decided to stop by the counter to fetch some napkins and rearrange my soup/sandwich in the Pret bag, as is my wont. Unbeknown to me, an employee of the soup chain "caught" me pilfering what apparently was an excessive amount of napkins, and called me out for this as I was leaving. Shocked, I struggled to defend myself, at first thinking she confused me for someone who came in and "stole" napkins without purchasing something, which was not the case. I exclaimed, "But I bought soup!" I was met with disregard: "I understand that, sir. But do you need that many napkins for ONE person? We have to pay for those, you know." At this point, there are several on-lookers, including staff that I see at lunchtime daily. Something snapped, and I not-so-gently pointed out to her that I was a frequent, nay, an important customer, and that I will TAKE extra napkins if I want them, goddammit, and there's nothing the hell she can do about it! And then I left feeling quite superior.

But I had time to reflect upon the incident on the walk back to the office. Why would she dehumanize me like that, in front of everyone, I thought. What purpose was served by emasculating me, in effect shearing my balls off? To later make a tasty consomme?!

Needless to say, I'm sitting at my desk now, sobbing into my soup, plotting revenge. This will involve either a dirty bomb or a continued daily effort to amass the world's largest stolen Hale & Hearty napkin collection. Or both.